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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677267">HeartWheels</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashPanduh/pseuds/TrashPanduh'>TrashPanduh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nóatún [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Midsommar (2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, F/M, Infidelity, Manipulation, Mental Illness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:28:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashPanduh/pseuds/TrashPanduh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Someday, she’ll not be able to remember why she hadn’t just waited for Christian like she’d done so many times before. She’ll remember his smiling round face and the concern in his deep-set eyes before solemnly following him into the night.</p><p>Or</p><p>Before Midsommar, Pelle offers Dani a ride home.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Christian/Dani, Pelle/Dani</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nóatún [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023907</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>HeartWheels</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Prosperity is measured in patience, biding your time for the right moment. Once, his parents had been ill prepared to declare their love to the universe and the rest of the Harga remained unmoved.  Watching the sacrificial house go up in blazing glory, he remembered an adage about humility; courting impossibility will spawn a presumptuous child.  </p><p>Though painful, he had seen the value in such violence. </p><p>*</p><p>Dollar Store fairy lights cast the connected rooms in chaotic color and frantic shadows; thrumming along to a beat blaring from somebody’s BestBuy speakers.  Everything smells of casual smoke and cheap beer, not enjoyable, but he’s here to assimilate and even just the appearance of group bonding is helpful. A few shots of something like diesel fuel, a little hit off a procured blunt, pressing into anonymous gyrating bodies and it was easy to forget he was here and not where he belonged. It was easier to pretend, although he never found lying to be that hard. </p><p>Tonight, though, would not be one of those easy nights. Christian drove the weekend before last, so it was his Friday to drive and stay dry.  He rarely begrudges the obligation, unlike the others when it’s their turn, but Autumn is fading into Winter and the colder months are always harder to bare away from home. The soggy barren concrete of the American city carries with it an ever present, delicate film of rot he can never completely wipe away.</p><p>(He’s tried.)</p><p>Which may be why when Mark asked him if he was good to drive tonight he smiled still; imagining twin blossoms flowering from gaping eye sockets, a thick oily mucus dripping from petals and nostrils.   </p><p>His good friends move around him like ghosts, never substantial enough to move him, but enough to appreciate at arms length. Although..that’s not to say he’s never been moved. <em>(‘I didn’t know anybody else was here’, she breathes, startled. He laughs feeling strangely shy, ‘That makes two of us,’. Though the moment is awkward, it’s impossible to not find her sweet face and throaty voice beguiling. ‘I’m Dani, Christian’s girlfriend.’ )</em></p><p>If he had been a better man, more honorable (like Ingemar maybe), he’d say it discouraged him. In actuality, he’d had a hard time picturing who Christian even was when she mentioned him. </p><p>Dani possessed this immutable gravity, luring him into her orbit over and over again, consuming and erasing everything else. There is something genuine and familiar about her that draws him in like a current whenever she’s near.  </p><p>Perhaps that was why his mood cooled, the party becoming more oppressive when she disappeared into the crowd as soon as they arrived. She and Christian had been suspiciously quiet when they came to pick them up, Christian grateful for the distraction and Dani eager to retreat into the back seat. He let Josh and Mark fill the conversation, allowing himself to admire the slopes and curves of her profile in the side mirror at stoplights.</p><p>They made the usual rotations between greeting other classmates, taking souvenir selfies, and jumping in and out of run-of-the-mill drinking games. Later, he joined Josh and Mark lounging on the couch laughing about some more boorish professors they’d had that semester. To his knowledge, none of them had seen Dani in a little over an hour or even mentioned her since she got in the car. </p><p>He sips his Sprite perched on the couch arm, only half listening to the ongoing small talk.</p><p>He idly wonders if this is how all outsiders feel, present but not really there. If he stays long enough in this Darwinistic wasteland, maybe he too will become just another ghost. Going through the motions of a half-life with an ever present level of numbness as the years pass him by, unfeeling, unmoved.</p><p><em>‘Its only Winter’,</em> he thinks, reassuring himself that the frost in his heart is only temporary. Spring always comes eventually, and it will bring with it all the warmth, color, and scents of home. He’ll begin carving runes for patience to help him in mind and spirit with the transition. There’s a local greenhouse and supply store a short walk from his apartment that’s housed some handsome Mountain Avens and Mullein in their window. </p><p>Just as he’s weighing the viability of balcony potters vs hydroponics he catches a brief flash of furry grey out of the corner of his eye. Peering across the room, casually of course to not catch attention, he sees the last bit of black leggings and a blond ponytail striding briskly out the front door. A quick scan of the flat shows no else noticed her leaving, or even recognized her.</p><p>She’ll be back, she may even spot them and come over. His finger taps absently against his plastic cup, matching the rhythm of the wheedling itch in the back of his mind. </p><p>Josh and Mark are joking with some other students from their Modern Cultural Theory class, Christian’s playing beer pong in the dining room. Nobody would notice if he slips away under the guise of refreshing his drink. </p><p>He’ll only be a minute, is his last thought before tossing back the rest of his drink. He’s mindful, making a roundabout way to the door through the kitchen, setting down his empty cup before stepping out the front door.</p><p>(No one ever looked up.)</p><p>*</p><p>She waits until she’s at least halfway down the hall to phone Terri, glancing behind her to make sure Christian didn’t catch her leaving. She’s not in the mood to have another fight about her sister, especially not in front of friends and total strangers, not when they’re here to celebrate.</p><p>It wouldn’t be so bad if Amy had come. More and more she worries she’s becoming an emotional vampire, relentlessly draining her friend’s limited well of compassion. The last time she had been over she had felt this subconscious crack forming between them, but it hadn’t started over her obligations to her family, or her own brand of personal intensity. Nothing like that.</p><p><em>(“It’s not that. Honestly, he doesn’t really understand. He grew up an only child. Its not bad, or his fault, it just made him more-”)</em>, Somehow, she hates arguing about her boyfriend even more than she hates arguing with him.</p><p>
  <em>(“-Selfish? Spoiled??” Amy offers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dani’s mouth tightens,“Independent.”)</em>
</p><p>At least when she’s fighting with him she doesn’t feel stupid like she does right now. Usually, she just feels hurt and alone. There was a time when nothing was more devastating than Christian storming out on her, leaving her heartbroken, picking up the pieces of the night by herself. </p><p>Amy, though, Amy will stay; observing her with a mixture of frustration and pity that she can’t escape or hide. She knows she’s trying to console her, but it feels worse. She doesn’t know which is more unbearable: being discarded or being cornered. </p><p>“Terri for the love of God, just not tonight. Literally, any other night.” Immediately she regrets saying it, regrets even thinking it.  It’s not Terri’s fault, not really. </p><p>She loves her sister. Not just as a turn of phrase, or as necessitated by biological programming, she <em>Loves</em> her sister. Terri was the first friend she’d ever known, her best friend for 99% of her life. </p><p>She once tied her little sister’s loose tooth to a doorknob and slammed it like they’d seen in a cartoon. (It hadn’t worked, but Terri never got mad at her, even with a mouth full of blood.) When Tony Harrison showed his track buddies the sexts Terri had sent him it was Dani pouring sugar in his gas tank between classes.</p><p>There was never any part of her life where she couldn’t see her sister within walking distance, touching and talking distance. Everything had changed when they graduated. They’d not gotten into the same University and for the first time they were experiencing the world apart. </p><p>Slowly, bit by bit, Terri drifted further away. The calls got shorter, then they got fewer, the holidays were quieter. One night, she woke up to Terri’s roommate calling her at 12 in the morning. Terri was in the hospital undergoing a psych evaluation and she didn’t know who to call. Dani’s name was top in her recent calls list.</p><p>She over-drafted her account to pay for the first direct flight to Oregon. </p><p>It was like her sister had been in a car accident and woke up a different person. But she hadn’t. Dani had just been having fun on the other side of the country making new friends, going to a new school, having a new life while Terri drowned inside herself alone. She’d only arrived past visiting hours; unable to afford a hotel, she’d spent the rest of the night at the airport waiting for the hospital to open. </p><p>Sitting out here by herself in the frosty air was not unlike that first night alone in Oregon, terrified of what the morning would bring. Just like back then, her calls go straight to voicemail. “Terri, I wasn’t brushing you off. I wanted to talk I just couldn’t get outside that second. Please call me back, I’m outside now.”      </p><p>It’s cold, and she hadn’t thought to bring a thicker jacket, ‘<em>Stupid</em>.’ Waiting inside near the ground floor stairs is tempting, but her voice might echo so she shoulders her phone and blows warm air onto her icy fingertips. </p><p>There’s a small communal pavilion tucked away in the back of the apartment building with a simple fountain that’d make an inconspicuous place to sit. It’s a short brisk walk, but the glow from the water lights calm her nerves and provides more light to read an incoming text she feels in her pocket. </p><p>Dani frowns, a thin line of worry creasing between her brows.</p><p>‘<em>I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself. I’m sorry, I want you to have fun, Dani.</em>’</p><p>Once upon a time, they’d planned on leaving home together, taking the same electives, sharing the same dilapidated studio, working the same shitty service job. Nothing was scary, or impossible, when it was them.</p><p>“<em>Love does not consist of gazing at each other; but of looking outward, together, in the same direction</em>.” Or so she’d read somewhere. Dani just can’t remember who looked away first. </p><p>‘<em>I want to have fun with y-</em>’ her thumb rapid taps backspace.<em> ‘I don’t know what that means.’</em> Every step she takes, it feels like Terri takes two steps back. Never, ever, did she stop loving her; it’s just..she feels so far away now.</p><p>“Dani?-”</p><p>“-SHIT!” Just as one hand nearly drops her phone in the fountain the other reflexively slaps it back to safety sending it tumbling to the dewy soil instead. “Ohmygod-Pelle!” She shouts as his hands dart up in surrender.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were on the phone.” He winces, at least looking embarrassed.</p><p>Dani waves him off, reaching down for her errant phone, wiping it off on the side of her thigh. “No, don’t worry about it. I thought I was alone out here.” Why was he out here?</p><p>“I didn’t mean to startle you, I just wanted to see if everything was okay?”</p><p>Out of all Christian’s friends, Pelle was probably the one she was least comfortable with. He wasn’t a dickhead and she couldn’t remember him ever being rude to her as Mark sometimes was. It’s not that she thinks he’s inauthentic, not that, he’s just.......unnatural. No one else seemed to share the sentiment, and she felt a little guilty for the suspicion, (when she didn’t even know his last name,) but it was impossible to shrug off. </p><p>Dani could never tell if he was trying to befriend or disarm her. “Oh, um yeah, yes. My lab partner kinda dropped some unexpected work in my lap. Its fine.” </p><p>With a snap of her bag, she shoves her phone into the deepest depths of her purse. </p><p>Luckily, he appears to take her word for it; “I can drive you home if you need to leave.” He offers.</p><p>There’s the possibility that she’s looking too much into it, that she’s being paranoid for no reason. Her mouth opens and closes for a second before she worries the inside of her cheek. Forcing small talk with her boyfriend’s overly familiar friend is as tempting as throwing herself into the fountain of diluted bird feces and pennies. </p><p>But the party’s still early, Christian will stay here for hours and she’ll be ping ponging between hating herself for bringing everyone down with her soured mood and hating herself for not immediately going home and Skyping Terri off the edge.</p><p>It was going to be a shit night either way. If that was how it was going to be she’d at least rather implode away from prying judgey eyes.</p><p>And she’s definitely being paranoid. Pelle, from what she’s seen, has been nothing but generous and harmless. Plus, it’s been a long time since someone asked if she was okay and meant it. She would never have told him the truth, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want someone to ask. </p><p>“I can pay for gas? It’s a bit of a drive.” It is, and she feels horrible, but better 45 minutes in a car with him than 3-4 hours waiting here for Christian. </p><p>When he grins, the way the corners of his mouth stretch into the roundness of his face is uncanny. “Don’t worry about it,” he’s already opening google maps, “Can you send me your address?” </p><p>*</p><p>They fill the short walk to his car with the standard questions, ‘How’re your classes?’, ‘What electives are you taking next semester?’, ‘Going home for the Holidays?’ Its slightly odd how eager Pelle is for small talk. Like her mother that way. He’s much better at feigning interest than Christian. He looks genuinely curious to pick apart her answers. She’s curious what he might find in them. </p><p>“It doesn’t seem like this a consolation party for you, I guess midterms went well?” Josh has always been the more academically gifted of Christian’s friends, Mark’s more the emotionally stunted stoner bff from high school. Where Pelle falls in their pecking order is a mystery.</p><p>He shrugs, stretching his neck, “Yeah, it went well. I’ve been wanting to get another advisor, and the one I wanted finally came back from sabbatical. I’m lucky, she’ll have time to look over my paper next week.”</p><p>Dani laughs, “I’m sorry to drag you away from the celebrating then.” She’s still not sure why he offered to drive her, or why she said yes when it only means trading one set of problems for another. Hopefully that’ll be Saturday Dani’s burden.</p><p>“Its not much of a celebration for you when you’re the one driving.” He chuckles.</p><p>That’s right, he was the one to drive them all here, it’d make sense he’d have to abstain from the usual festivities to safely drive them back. “Then I’m sorry for adding to your gas bill.” She’d feel much more comfortable if he’d just let her pay. </p><p>“Help me clear out the front seat and we can call it even.” </p><p>He wasn’t kidding. Mark had sat up front so she hadn’t seen the state of the passenger side. When they reach it parked near a dimly lit suburb, it looked like he had just shoved everything within reach onto the floor. Books, papers, binders, a few food wrappers lay haphazardly strewn along the floor. To his credit, he looks at her like she found his PornHub account. “Its fine.” To be honest, she’d imagined him as more of a neat freak.</p><p>Pelle grimaces when she notices the muffin wrappers. “It’s not usually like this, I’ve been busy with midterm-”</p><p>“I promise its fine, I know you’ve seen Christian’s.”(-Fuck.) There’s a brief flash of guilt. She should really tell him she’s leaving. But he hasn’t even texted her yet, he either hasn’t noticed her missing or is grateful. </p><p>It’s useless to think which hurts more. </p><p>No, she’s not thinking about him, she’s leaving. Dani looks up at him after clearing her throat of the lump she could feel forming. “Want me to put the notebooks in the glove compartment?”</p><p>The doors click open, and Pelle is all teeth. “Perfect.”</p><p>*</p><p>They hastily create a little assembly line of grabbing whatever clutter she hands him and stacking it neatly into the backseat. An intricate dreamy Cover distracts her. A nude woman looks over her shoulder at a grand swan spreading its wings behind her. ‘The Gods, Heroes, and Monsters of Greek Mythology.’ </p><p>“Is this for a class?” She’s doing her thesis on Folklore and Fairy Tales; what they reflected of ancient psychological fears and morals. She enjoys the lore. It’s always been easy to get lost in the misty fantasies of dead people.</p><p>“It was for Intro to Cultural Anthropologie.” She nearly misses the brush of his index finger against her thumbnail.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>“Did you like it?” </p><p>“Yes,” Pelle perks up at that, “Mediterranean myths are similar to our own in a lot of ways.”</p><p>Hazy images of Vikings pillagers raiding lonely desert villages overlapped with mermaids and poisoned apples and severed toes. She throws some scone wrappers into a small bin in the back, lost in the thought for a moment. Its interesting. </p><p>“Do you know the difference a Myth and a Fairytale?” She gestures towards the book he’s stacking in his ‘For Class’ pile.</p><p>Pelle doesn’t answer right away, letting the silence fill the air between them. He wears this look some tourists get when they ask for directions. A little confused but intently listening, parsing for familiar words and phrases. It’s quiet for longer than she’s comfortable, but maybe that’s just her. A moment more and she’d have thought he hadn’t heard her and would have sheepishly dropped it.</p><p>“Are they not synonymous?” If it were anyone else, the inquiry could be passingly polite, but there’s an intrigued pinch between his brows that throws her.</p><p>“Um..not exactly. They’re kind of used interchangeably, but Myths were more used to explain the workings of the World. How different cultures of the era made sense of natural phenomena.” </p><p>It’s weird, speaking to him like this..like, they’re some kind of...Speaking Buddies..</p><p>It could also be she’s more used to talking about Christian’s work as opposed to her own interests, more comfortable supporting than being supported. Occasionally she’d get the dutiful questions about her thesis or a particular class he remembered her having, but it’d only be a few minutes in before his eyes went glassy. </p><p>No one’s to blame, really, it’s not like they share classes anymore and her subjects can be hard to relate to. </p><p>Still, it doesn’t stop the impulse to fade off, covertly searching his gaze for the tiniest sign of boredom or impatience.</p><p>“And Fairytales?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, Fairytales were used to explain the workings of people, of society. A warning, or a lesson for that time.” She shrugs. “It doesn’t really matter, but I thought it was interesting when I learned it.”    </p><p>Climbing into the cleared seat, she spares the book another glance, tracing the embossed slopes of naked shoulders up to her obscured face. What expression is the woman making, is she’s looking upon the lone swan in awe, or in fear?</p><p>Pelle’s door clangs shut, interrupting her musing with the jerking weight of it. He smiles, quickly popping the key in the ignition. “Sorry about all of that, I hope you weren’t in a hurry.”</p><p>Dani shakes her head. “No, don’t worry about it, it was already gonna be a late night anyway.” </p><p>Her legs now have more room to stretch out. It only occurs to Dani then he hadn’t spared the same effort for Josh. </p><p>The snap of the auto locks is deafening, like the solitary thud of something heavy hitting pavement. When he eases out of the parking space, his arm braces against the back of her seat as he checks the curb.</p><p>A mixture of anxiety, guilt, and shame rolls over her gut in waves. It’s irrational, and she’s overly sensitive right now. </p><p>Sometimes a swan is just a swan. </p><p>And perhaps that was the whole point.  </p><p>*</p><p>Her phone hasn’t vibrated once, and Dani doesn’t know whether to be grateful or bitter. She is grateful though, truly. Their parents gave up so much so they could achieve their dreams. It’s not like she wants to throw it all away, more like if she could just stop time for a while. </p><p>Run away so no one could miss or find her, no family, no friends, no one depending on her, no one to disappoint. Come out after a while, when she felt stronger. A brief holiday from herself. That’s all. </p><p>A ghostly ululating voice comes on the radio that makes her smile despite herself. “Bjork?”</p><p>“Too on the nose?”</p><p>Not exactly, she owns an album or two and this is one of her better songs. “I like this one.”</p><p>Instead of commenting, he turns the music up for her. </p><p>They’re coming up on a tunnel; it gives her the most vivid flashback of her and her sister holding their breath and hands as tight as they could in the backseat until they could see the light at the end. </p><p>Out of habit, out of love, out of options, she breathes deep through her nose and lets her eyes slide shut and the darkness swallows them whole. </p><p>The tunnel lights project flickering lines on the backs of her eyelids. The music and hum of the car gently wash away some of the knots in her gut and spine. The sensory deprivation is nice. Blocking out everything but the light at the end of the tunnel. </p><p>Just as her lungs begin to ache, they’re on the other side and she lets go the breath she’d been holding. </p><p>“Are you alright?”</p><p>She had thought it’d have been too dark to see her face. “Yeah, its just something my Mom and Dad used to do with us.” Pelle turns down the radio to hear her better. “If we were passing through a tunnel or a cemetery, they’d tell us to hold our breaths.”</p><p>He chuckles warmly. Perhaps it reminds him of his own family traditions. “Is that an American thing?”</p><p>“I don’t think so. Actually, I don’t know where that came from. They might’ve just said that to get 5 seconds of quiet on car rides.” She snorts, if that was the case it worked.   </p><p>“Where I grew up, the community raised the children.” (What?) “If our parents needed peace, there was always something else to get into or someone else to bother.”   </p><p>It’s bizarre at first, but picturing it now, a little flower child Pelle made sense. She can’t imagine herself as a free range kid running wild on a free love commune, but it worked out well for him, apparently. Here he was studying abroad at a respected university for his field and never being inundated with the neurosis or chronic panic attacks of most other students. It was admirable.</p><p>She didn’t know him very well, but every time she saw him he was never anything but companionable and well adjusted. Maybe there was something to it. “Who was your favorite babysitter?”</p><p>It takes him slightly aback, his mouth working in a way to find the words. “Uhh..I, honestly had never thought about it before.” He mutters thoughtfully, considering the question now. There’s a beat, his finger tapping the wheel before he answers. “First it was my Uncle. Later it was another Elder in our village, Father Odd. They were close.”</p><p>Dani nods, painting a vague portrait of tie dye clothes, rhythmic chanting, and a small ocean of toe headed children. “Mm, outgrew him?” </p><p>The soft tap taptap-tap of his finger stops. The corner of his mouth twitches imperceptibly. “He passed away actually.” He replies, his tone cautious. “I was very young. Father Odd...stepped in and kind of filled that void, you could say.”</p><p>(Oh shit.)  She feels a little sick; the knots retwining themselves below her navel. “Pelle...sorry, I didn’t-”</p><p>He doesn’t let her finish, “-No! Of course you didn’t know.” They come up on a stoplight and though the tightness in her chest is gone, she still rather wishes she could hide in the back seat. “But you’re right about outgrowing relationships. Maybe, “outgrow” is too strong a word. There were definitely very good friends that.......I might have just grown towards a different direction than they were.”</p><p>There’s a part of what he says that hits her like a brick to the gut. A twinge right in the back of her eye signals an oncoming headache. She wants to tell him that it’s normal, but the strongest relationships are worth fighting for. </p><p>You can’t just give up. “Yeah. I get that.” </p><p>With a flick of his wrist, he cuts the heavy thrum of music, sending a shiver that makes her hair stand on end. Dani glances over at Pelle, steadily watching the road.</p><p>“Dani, I-” He looks like he might change the subject, strange because he’s always been so forthcoming when she’s been around him, “I know its been a tumultuous year for you..” Dani freezes. (what has Christian told him?” ) </p><p>Someday, she’ll not be able to remember why she hadn’t just waited for Christian like she’d done so many times before. Why hadn’t she forked out for a cab instead or sucked it up and called Amy? </p><p>She’ll remember his smiling round face and the concern in his deep-set eyes before solemnly following him into the night.</p><p>But right now all she sees is the man she loves and trusts most, laughing at her with his friends. Entertaining them with her secrets and insecurities and most crippling fears. Pelle wearing a wincing smile, but his eyes are full of pity even when she’s not there. Her stomach swoops with bile.</p><p>Breathing deep through her nose, shaking her head, either in denial or to ward off the sickening picture of it. “Pelle look-” She starts-</p><p>The world <em>Explodes</em> around her. </p><p>A deafening <em>CRACK</em> like a small grenade going off makes her scream. The car lurches into a heavy tailspin, Pelle cursing, thrusting his arm in front of her. </p><p>She shrieks his name and scrambles to get her fingers around the handhold above the window. The sharp lunge feels like the car is on the verge of tipping. It sends everything in the back crashing to the floor or careening into the front seat.</p><p>Her legs jerk to her chest, face tucked into her raised arms hanging on for dear life. Frantically, she shoves herself into a little ball against the door.</p><p>“<em>SHIT</em>! Fuck-” There’s a barrage of cursing, tires screeching, until gradually equilibrium reasserts itself with a harsh grunt as Pelle retakes control of the car. </p><p>Even after everything comes to a steady halt, the sharp clicking of the emergency lights and rapid hyperventilating the only thing disrupting this new ominous quiet, Dani stays in her protective cocoon against the door.</p><p>There’s not enough air, her lungs can’t gulp it down fast enough, she shoves her face deeper into the inside of her arms, fingers going white over the hand hold. </p><p>“Dani! Dani are you injured??”</p><p>She can’t breathe, can’t speak, can’t look, not knowing what she’ll see. Soft hands run carefully up and down the back of her sweater. “The tire blew out on this side, but we’re safe. It’s okay Dani, we’re okay..” She swallows down the oncoming vomit, fighting the urge to bolt. To run careening out into the woods like a madwoman until she passes out from exhaustion.</p><p>“ItsFine-Its fine, I’m okayIjust..just..” Its like a power surge in her brain, wiping out everything. </p><p>The hands don’t stop; they rub slow cautious circles between her shoulder blades. “Are you in any pain?”</p><p>There’s no proper way to answer that. “It’s okay, I just need a minute.” </p><p>The tightness in her chest and rigid muscles becomes too much. With a shaky exhale, her hands peel away from the handle, sticky with cold sweat. She doesn’t look at Pelle; she doesn’t look at anything, just tries to calm the rapid throbbing of her heart. </p><p>His hand moves from her back to her lowered forearm, when she turns to him he’s all concerned eyes and grim set mouth. “I’m going to get out and check the damage. My bars are low, but I’ll see if I can get a better signal and call AAA.” </p><p>The panicked flicker in her eyes is probably obvious because he immediately reassures her. “I’m going to be right outside. Even if the sound is a little choppy, they should get enough info to get here. It’ll be okay, I promise.” </p><p>Another consoling squeeze to her arm and he’s sliding out, shutting the door softly behind him. </p><p>At first she watches Pelle round the car and bend down to check the hub cap. A cursory glance at their surroundings and Dani realizes he’d managed to steer them clear of the road and safely onto a flat patch of dirt next to the neighboring woods. It’s dark and luckily, or not, there are no other cars in sight. </p><p>“Dani-” She looks up to see Pelle peering at her from the driver’s window, “can you pop the trunk for me? Its right there.”</p><p>“Sure.” There’s little light, but she finds the small tab he points out and a muffled thunk reverberates into the night behind them. Pelle softly thanks her before disappearing to the back of the car.</p><p>*</p><p>She doesn’t know how long she sits like that until the cold begins to bite without the heater. Tucking her feet into the seat and her hands into her sweater, she tries to relax and fade into the nothingness that’s taken over. </p><p>Her attention flickers to the side mirror where she can see and vaguely hear Pelle talking to the Auto service. His back faces her and she can’t see his face, but his tone doesn’t sound frustrated or angry. That should be good news, hopefully. Though she has never seen him be anything other than pleasantly agreeable, who knows what anger or something like road rage would look like on Pelle. </p><p>A thought abruptly occurs to her, and Dani lunges for her purse. After throwing most of the contents out in her search, she finds what she was looking for and turns to leave the car.</p><p>*  </p><p>The grass is a little slippery under her boots, but thankfully her heels are fairly flat. As she approaches, Pelle is wrapping us his conversation with the AAA, reading off his card information and thanking them. When he turns he looks surprised to see her standing awkwardly by the trunk. </p><p>“What’d they say?” She asks, noticing a bundle of black and green cloth held under his free arm when he comes to her. He half frowns, glancing towards his cell. (Not all good news then.)</p><p>“They’re on they’re way,” He begins, “but it’s going to be a bit of a wait. 45 minutes to an hour.” Under normal circumstances it would be a little annoying, but honestly they’re lucky so it’s hard to be anything but relieved. “It’s the Friday after midterms, they’re a little flooded with drunk college students right now.”</p><p>Dani nods, there’s nothing really to be done for it then, “Makes sense. Oh-” She quickly recalls her reason for coming out here in the wet and cold. Pelle looks down at the cluttered key chain hanging from her outstretched grasp. “Its not much, but I’ve got a mini flashlight. Its better than nothing, if you don’t already have one.” There, dangling lowest on the ring, is a tiny black flashlight about the length of his hand.   </p><p>Pelle smiles gratefully, “Thats lucky because I don’t. It’ll save the battery just in case.” Dani strips it off the metal loop, dropping it in his open palm before he settles something soft and plaid in her arms. “I found a spare blanket. We’ve also got the spare tire, but they said they wouldn’t need it, and if there was any hard damage to the rim, I couldn’t find it.”</p><p>“Hey everything could’ve been a lot worse.” She grins wryly.  </p><p>“I can imagine this isn’t how you saw your night going.” </p><p>Standing outside a car wreck near some woods in the middle of nowhere past midnight while its 40 degrees out? Seriously, that’s probably the most “Dani thing” she can think of. “I’ve had worse.” </p><p>Leaning against the passenger door, she crosses her feet and surveys her mud covered boots. She’d gotten them as a present for herself for doing well on the midterms and solidifying her scholarships. “I could say the same for you. Getting stuck driving the guys around. Only to spend the entire party stranded out here cause your friend didn’t want to drive his own girlfriend home.”</p><p>A winter chill sends a shiver up her neck. After shaking out the loose blanket, she wraps it tight around her head and shoulders like a shawl. </p><p>Pelle chuckles, “I don’t mind. It’ll be a memory.”</p><p>The wind brushes baby hair across the apples of her cheeks and her eyes dart up into his kind face. </p><p>There are moments where you feel you’re watching a tidal wave emerge from off the horizon. Overwhelming in equal parts horror and awe. That first time you realize you’ll never be able to run fast enough. </p><p>She swallows deeply, watching his eyes follow the movement. Her thumb running across the fringe in her fist. </p><p>Hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, he softly kicks away a stray rock. “If this was going to happen anyway, I’m glad it was like this.” She stands stuck, unable to move back, unable to move forward. “If the tire had blown out later tonight, we would have been stuck out here babysitting all three of them.” A stray lock of wayward hair has tumbled out of where most of it is piled haphazardly on his head.  </p><p>There’s an ominous thickness in the air. She’s always found something....threatening, in his docility.(You’re just imagining it..)</p><p>Whether it was leftover adrenaline from the accident, or a sudden desire to confront whatever this is, or maybe she just wanted to keep running, keep running and never stop. </p><p>There’s little time to think of reasons or consequences when she takes his face in her hand and guides his mouth down to hers.  </p><p>The last thing she sees are pale, bewildered blue eyes blinking as her thumb swipes across his cheek. It’s the sort of kiss that lines up perfectly the first time, his bottom lip tucked neatly between her own. The barest hint of slick when skin meets skin.</p><p>He parts his mouth lightly, and she takes the invitation to skim her tongue against the outline of his. Whatever initial shock he felt is quickly discarded with a steadying sigh, and his arms come hungrily around her waist. Everything is white noise when he presses back, tongue exploring all the dips and caverns of her.  </p><p>She feels the cold metal of the car through blanket and sweater, a keening hum resounding from deep inside her throat. With him solidly in front of her, and the cover of the car behind her, it’s grounding and thrilling all at once. He follows the gird of her hips while slanting his mouth deeper, tasting her more fully.</p><p>It’s a series of parting and meeting, parting and meeting, intermittent with heavy sighs and eager caresses. It’s not long before her head is swimming and she’s forgotten to breathe.</p><p>He does something with his tongue that jolts her; a bit of a culture shock. She’s kissed no one else for the better part of nearly 4 years and there’s no pretending Pelle is anyone other than himself. The pressure, the taste, the feel of him is new, and as alien as it is thrilling. </p><p>The sudden blaring of someone laying into their horn hits them like ice water in a hot shower.</p><p>“AAAOOOOO!! Get a room!”</p><p>Dani jerks, pushing at him, overcome with the terrifying thought of the car pulling up alongside them. Of Christian bursting from it while Josh and Mark watch him drunkenly confront them. Before she can get too far, Pelle tucks her close out of sight until the solitary vehicle passes.</p><p>Swallowing against his chest, she tries to regain her bearings. His jacket smells thick of pine and bonfires. The scent of a dense wood to hide in.</p><p>As soon as the cat caller has disappeared into the dark horizon Pelle reaches around her, opening the passenger door and ushering her inside. </p><p>‘<em>Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod</em>’ This is stupid, this is so stupid. What the fuck is she thinking? This isn’t her, she’s never been into this kind of thing. In her head she screams, but on her hands and knees she crawls, twisting against the opposite side door to watch him follow right behind her. </p><p>‘<em>Jesus fuck what am I doing</em>’ Dani draws her knees up, still hugging Pelle’s blanket around her like armor when he shuts the door and turns to face her. She notices he doesn’t lock it, none of the doors are. </p><p>They sit there, breathing heavily, considering each other, illuminated by little other than starlight and dashboard. One of Pelle’s hands is braced behind the headrest, his index finger faintly tapping against the back dash. ‘<em>I don’t have to do this. Just apologize and have the quietest ride home of your entire adult life.</em>’</p><p>A ride taking her back to a lonely apartment where she’ll clumsily comfort her inconsolable sister, a ride to a party where the man she loves will pretend she doesn’t exist-She pushes the thought away before it can fully materialize. </p><p>The blanket catches her boot when she moves towards him. Tell him this is a bad idea. Pull the handle near his arm and open it. Go home and die a respectable slow death by embarrassment. </p><p>A glance down to his lips, still shining from where she’d taken the bottom one between hers, and she pushes the lock down behind him. The *<em>click</em>* that follows echoes too loudly for such a small space.</p><p>*</p><p>If time had paused when they entered the car, everything is on fast forward now. They’re a flurry of fervent hands, smacking lips and thrusting limbs. He helps her out of her boots and eagerly tugs her into his lap in the middle seat. Its more comfortable, and she can straddle him properly here.</p><p>Its close to pitch black and if she stops too long to think, the unknown, the unfamiliar, would terrify her. She feels too vulnerable, too spread open.</p><p>“I’m here,” He murmurs, his lips moving over her neck like he can’t bring himself to stop kissing her, stop touching her, “I’m here..” and it’s enough, she couldn’t imagine the voice of someone she barely knows soothing her.</p><p>But it does.  And she throws anything that isn’t them to the outside, into the dark, where it belongs. They’ve no use for it here.</p><p>His palm brushes the tender skin of a rib near her breast and Dani whimpers, wanting wanting and wanting.  She fingers the knob of spine at the base of his neck as he sucks bruises into hers. More, please more.. </p><p>In for a penny, in for a pound. Dani’s grateful she can’t see his face when she pulls her sweater and bra over head. Her hair ruffles with static as she pushes it down her arms to pool next to them. When she sees him again his eyes are devouring every inch of her with a kind of urgency that makes her hesitate. His other hand move moves up her thigh over her ass to her naked waist and she hisses through clenched teeth.</p><p>Immediately he’s alert, “Too cold?” </p><p>“No-no..” Dani shakes her head, stroking his chest and shoulders when he leans to the side of her, feeling along the crowded floor. He shakes clean a large button up knit sweater before pulling it around her. </p><p>Pelle holds the lapels as she pushes her arms through, noting the yellow flower darned into the font pocket. Not knowing what to say, she kisses him again, taking his hand and bringing it firmly to her breast. It must be the only encouragement he needs because he groans deeply into her mouth, running his thumb over a tight nipple.  </p><p>All at once, he’s everywhere, caressing as much as he can like she could take it all away any second. One arm supports her from behind, the other feeling along her ass and thigh as he mouths the tender patch of skin just under her ear. “Oh God-” She whimpers without meaning to. </p><p>It spurs something in him and one moment he’s holding her softly to him, lips trailing along her ear, the next he’s heatedly urging her backwards, sucking a path straight to the aching peak he’d left before. </p><p>Normally, this part is awkward. With Christian, she never knows where to put her hands or where to look until he’s had his fill.</p><p>It’s not like that now. Now it’s almost painful until she feels Pelle’s mouth on her, his tongue laving, soothing, drawing firm circles against the hot throbbing bud. Leaned back as she is, there’s not much else she can do but cling to him, let him feast on her, mewling for dear life. The position is too much, bowed backwards and knees spread wide to accommodate him. It only makes her grasp at him more, urge him on more, pull him to her, around her, inside her. <em>Yes</em>..   </p><p>Right there, he’s hard and wanting and pushing uncomfortably, enticingly, against her inner thigh. She can feel it so much more through her leggings and now, with him suckling her sore breasts with a hungry tongue, leaving cold tantalizing wet spots in his wake, it’s all she can think of. </p><p>She buries one hand in the curls of his hair, the other moving along his back, under his hoodie, tugging him closer, arching her hips into a tight jean clad erection. He sucks in a heavy breath, burying his face in the hallow of her throat, arms crushing her hard against him. “Dani..I-”</p><p>No more, that’s all she can stand, so she pushes him back against the seat, petting under his jacket and shirt, over flat stomach and lean chest. He’s wiry and foreign in all the places where Christian is broad and so familiar. What is it he likes, what pleases him most, where and what feels best to him? It’s been so long since she’s had to wonder. The back of a 2012 Prius next to an unknown dirt road, though, isn’t the place to ask those questions. </p><p>Fortunately, when Dani strokes the tip of a fingernail along his pant line, drawing down over his buckle, he looks like nothing in the world could please him more than this.</p><p>Pelle beats her to it, undoing his buckle and zip in rapid succession, “Fuck,” he breathes in equal parts awe and desperation, “Fuck”. Dani rises to her knees to give him room, caressing a wanton path from his shoulder down his chest as he finally frees himself to the chilly night air. </p><p>Even with the sparse light she can see he’s long, tip ending just below his navel, with a solid thickness that makes her mouth water. If she closes her eyes, she’s sure she can hear her heart beating a harsh <em>thud-thud-thud</em> in her ears. </p><p>The heavy sleeve almost covers the hand she brings to her open mouth, drawing a wet dripping tongue up the line of it. She startles at the sudden grip he has on her wrist, pulling it to himself, licking that same path. There’s a picture in her head of him throwing her down, yanking off her leggings, and doing the same to her throbbing cunt.</p><p>Before the glide of her over-sensitized lips against dripping leggings can distract her anymore, she wraps slippery fingers around the length of him; watching hotly as he drops his head back, eyes clenching with a grimace that could be pain but isn’t. Pelle mutters something under his breath that sounds like her name, she can’t tell, and his undone face is too intriguing to ask. </p><p>She tentatively experiments with a few rhythms and judging by the way he squeezes her ass and bites his lip, he enjoys a firmer grip. A soft turn of her wrist around the slick purple-ish head. His pale eyes look near white in the dark, darting between her swaying breasts and wringing hand pulling a warm pool of pre-cum from the tip. </p><p>(Fuckit, you’ve already gone this far.) Just as he’s beginning to arch into her movements, hips thrusting to the steady rhythm she’s set, she moves off of him completely. The sudden burst of cold alarms him, makes him grasp for her in fervor. </p><p>“What’s wro-, I-” He pants earnestly, trying to redirect more blood to his brain, perhaps. She gently hushes him, halting any more panicked assumptions while she dips slippery thumbs into her leggings and panties, pushing them down the span of her hips.</p><p>Pelle’s quick to catch on and helps untangle the knot of spandex gathering at her feet. It’s awkward and clumsy and she hasn’t fooled around in the backseat of a car since high school, but...his touch is warm and impassioned, kindling a heat in her belly she can feel toe to fingertip. It’s been so long since she’s been able to just be, without the prodding thoughts of everything ping-ponging in the background. A whirlpool in her mind always threatening to circle her down the drain. </p><p>Nothing is back there now, though, she doesn’t even have to pretend, it’s really just her. </p><p>He sets her leggings and panties on the other side of them and when he turns back, she’s already climbing back into his lap. Gathering her up, he breathes what might be relief against her chin and presses ardent kisses to her throat, sliding soft hands along bare thighs, stroking the jut of her hips. </p><p>He manages to heft her up with one hand, positioning his cock with the other while she guides him home. He groans and curses as she pushes him inside, breaching the tight ring of muscle. “Dani yes, fuck, fuck you feel so good.” He hisses.</p><p>With her lip between her teeth, she tries to find that angle that feels best. She whimpers when their hips are flushed fully against each other, testing the depth. It’s worryingly close to her cervix, but she stretches around him so perfectly and if she rolls just right he brushes against this spongy cluster of nerve endings that sets everything ablaze. Makes her muscles and cunt spasm in rapture. </p><p>She sets a gradual rocking pace that he’s keen to follow, holding her close. </p><p>A violent shudder runs through him, he crushes her against his chest, pressing feverish kisses along her jaw. The soft persistent grunts mingling with a guttural whine are unfamiliar, he’s nosier than she’s used to. Unsure of how to feel about it and unwilling to follow that distracting train of thought, she adjusts her hips a bit and-and,..<em>there</em>! Oh god, right <em>there</em>. </p><p>There’s a pained moan echoing through the car and it takes Dani a moment to realize it’s her. She throws her arms around his neck, her hand clutching the back of his head, fingers like talons in his hair, pulling some of it from the rubber band. </p><p>If she can just, fuck, a little more, please-please a little more. It’s a fever spreading across her flesh and she’s so hungry, starved and hot. Tightening her grip, she groans and churns her hips down flush into his own, and he’s deep and deep and deeper still. Oh God, it’s so close, it’s near painful, she almost sobs. </p><p>‘<em>Pleasepleaseplease</em>’, oh please, she thinks, but maybe she says it aloud because Pelle’s gazing into her with blown pupils and a visceral look she can’t read.</p><p>He momentarily releases her, bringing a thumb to his mouth and pushing it between their hurried hips. His knuckles graze her bare navel, moving further to circle her clit and she nods encouragingly, closing her eyes, arching into the pressure. Don’t stop. </p><p>In the darkness his other hand moves from her back beneath the knit sweater to cup her cheek and she knows he’s still watching her, she doesn’t have to see. </p><p>Suddenly he moves low, lunging up and in and- “Oh God!” Once, twice, once more, “Yes!” Electricity shoots from her hips up through her spine, throaty moans she barely recognizes echoing all around them. Her hands seize in his hair and her cunt around his cock again and again and, <em>yesss</em>, again..</p><p>Pelle pulls her to him, lips crashing hotly, tongue shoved down her throat, and his rhythm becomes more frantic, less coordinated. It’s so good, and she hasn’t had time to come down, it’s close to pain, but she knows if she leans into it she can get there again. Fuck, <em>yes</em>, yes, she can get there again.</p><p>His grip hurts somewhat, but it’s good, it is. He’s everywhere, his touch, his sounds, the scent of him, it’s threatening in a way that makes her want to let it carry her away. Wash her out to sea until there’s nothing of her left. “Dani-Dani, look at me,” He pleads, pressing his forehead to hers and now he’s all she can see.</p><p>She sees him. Really sees him. For the first time. </p><p>It’s frightening.</p><p>Then he’s shoving her down while lunging up as far as he can go, pushing the bridge of his nose into the fat of her cheek with a long unsteady groan. A wet heat makes her gasp as it floods her. So full, so much, she’s bursting and dripping.</p><p>That second crest is fleeing her fast and Dani doesn’t have the strength to chase it, so she satisfies herself with resting her hands on the back of his neck and letting them catch their breath while they come down. His fingers scale the length of her back, lightly dragging the tips of his nails over every arch of bone and curve of muscle. Just as she’s starting to pull her brain together, something else she hadn’t noticed before catches her eye in the rear windshield.</p><p>“HOLY shit! Oh shi-” Pelle has only a second to look hurt and confused as she yanks away from him, snapping her borrowed sweater shut.  She stops him before he can say anything or draw her near again, “Jesus, fuck fuck fuck, the Tow Truck’s here, Pelle.” And it must see her scrambling because it flashes its lights at them.</p><p>Pelle’s eyes widen in understanding, hurriedly catching up but she’s already clamoring off him, trying to ignore the awkwardness of his softening cock sliding thickly out of her leaking cunt. </p><p>“Shit! No, okay, no its fine-I’ll take care of it.” He curses, quickly tucking himself away before handing her leggings to her while she searches for her bra along the cluttered floor. </p><p>Dani doesn’t bother to waver, doesn’t see if he looks back, just hears the soft clacking of the door and wet sneakers on gravel. She’s so fucking stupid, holy shit she’s so fucking stupid. She should be crying at home, or wasted at a crowded house party, not fighting her way into her bra crouched down on a backseat floor, while trying not to get the corner of “World Prehistory II” jammed up her ass.</p><p>Okay her panties are a lost cause, she thinks, attempting to put her leggings back on as inconspicuously as possible. Which isn’t very possible, actually.</p><p>It’d be shitty of her to hide in the car, cursing herself inside her head while he faces the music alone. It would, right? Fuckit, no she can’t stay here. After quickly tugging her boots back on she takes a deep breath and exits out the opposite door. </p><p>It’s like walking to a very, very, awkward guillotine.</p><p>Pelle and a short, sturdy looking woman perk up at the muffled clicking of her heels catching gravel. He scans her face to see if she’s okay, while the other lady just uncomfortably checks his insurance. </p><p>Dani tucks her hands into arms, nervous and cold, “Hi, thanks for coming all the way out here, I hope you..em, weren’t waiting long or anything. I’m sure he-” gesturing to Pelle, “already said this, but we are so incredibly sorry and, if it makes you feel any better, incredibly humiliated.”</p><p>She hears him snort beside her and luckily the other woman laughs, smiling sympathetically if not cringing. “No no, not at all, I just got here like five minutes ago. I was telling your boyfriend how I only started this job, like 2 weeks ago, so this..uh, whole thing, I wasn’t sure what to do,” She turns red, looking away in jest, “Do I honk the horn, do I flash the lights, do I call dispatch and tell them to call him again? Ya know?”</p><p>No, thankfully she doesn’t know. The closest she’s ever been to this was getting stuck in a cab with Terri and Kevin Withers making out right next to her on their way to prom. But fortunately the lady doesn’t appear to care all that much. Even Pelle, from what she can tell, is taking the whole thing in stride.</p><p>“We’re sorry to keep you.” Pelle offers. </p><p>They’re interrupted by a series of beeps resonating from the woman’s utility belt. She puts her hand up for them to wait while she answers. “Hey, yeah just got in. Nah it wasn’t serious at all, boyfriend and girlfriend are fine. You had me thinking I’d be showing up with an ambulance.” She tucks the bottom of the cell to her shoulder and looks to Pelle. “Oh and do you have a spare or should I bring one out?”</p><p>He shakes his head, thumbing towards the car, “No, I have one in the trunk, give me a secon-” she waves him off before he can move.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it I got it, just pop the trunk, I’m gonna grab my tools real quick. You two can wait in the car out of the road.” Neither can manage much of a protest as she turns on her heel still on the phone.</p><p>The silence she leaves in her wake makes Dani almost beg her if she can come. Or maybe she actually would choose to wait in the road and pray for an oncoming vehicle to take her from this plain. Pelle nudges her, snapping her from her brief reverie. “We should go wait,” He suggests, nodding behind them. </p><p>Should she say something? But she can’t think of what so she agrees and lets him place his warm hand in the middle of her back, guiding her the way they came.</p><p>*</p><p>Besides Pelle apologizing for keeping her out late when she needed to get home, they didn’t really speak on the drive. He was easy going as always, completely unbothered. Meanwhile, she listened to Enya on the radio with snakes crawling through her belly and moths flapping around in her chest. </p><p>Tonight feels like a dream where she couldn’t remember falling asleep. She got up, hung the outfit she was going to wear in the bathroom. Went to class. Worked a half-shift. Left Christian an annoyed voicemail when he forgot to pick her up like he promised. Ubered home. Got ready angrily. </p><p>Fought with Christian when he got there, shaking her head and shutting down at the special brand of bewildered frustration only he can manage. </p><p>He always looks that way when they fight, as though genuinely hurt she couldn’t understand him. Like he really doesn’t get the difference between refusing to pick her up to punish her for a perceived slight and simply forgetting to pick her up because he sometimes forgets she exists at all when she’s not right in front of him.</p><p>Maybe she can’t fault him completely for that. She doesn’t know either why him not thinking of her at all cuts deeper than him thinking of her maliciously. But now she hopes to God he forgets about coming out with her tonight entirely. </p><p>Christian’s not perfect. Despite what Amy and their shared group of friends say, she’s not blinded by lovesickness . But he’s never done this. She knows nobody would believe her, but he’s never gotten mad, drunk, high, and fucked somebody before. However reluctant at times, he’s always been faithful to her.  </p><p>(You always hurt the ones you love..) </p><p>There might be little else they love more than cutting themselves on the edges of the other. </p><p>A light sway makes her blink, realizing she hadn’t even been seeing the flickering neighborhoods in front of her until they’d already come to stop at her apartment. Suddenly sick with nerves, she turns to him to find his seat is empty and the door carefully clicking shut. Dani’s thrown for a moment, wondering what’s happening, until she sees him rounding the car to her own side. (Oh)</p><p>He opens her door and warns her of the steep curb near the landing. Dani thanks him stiffly on her way out, stepping carefully along the frosty grass. </p><p>It strikes her that he could try to hold her hand, or put his arm about her, but he maintains a platonic distance and it embarrasses her for thinking he might. Or assuming she could read him at all. </p><p>Is she supposed to invite him in? Should she give him something for the ride? Not like...you know, but maybe that unopened wine her Mom sent her as a housewarming gift last year, she also has an extra bag of Cuban coffee she likes, Pelle might also enjoy it. He already refused payment. With nothing else in mind, she’s uncertain how to leave, whatever this was, with all of their prior boundaries firmly intact.  </p><p>They breach the stoop adjacent to the small common room leading up to her place. Nowhere left to go, she holds her breath to gather herself. Pelle observes with an easiness she longs to replicate. “I..look, I-” unable to meet his gaze, she tries to focus on a tiny fraying hole around his collar, “God, okay I know tonight definitely wasn’t what you had in mind.” </p><p>Thankfully, he jokes modestly rubbing the back of his neck, “It was, at least, a pleasant surprise.” He remarks in good humor.</p><p>Dani grins halfheartedly, his calming nature mollifying her if only a little. There’s a tiny rock under her boot she thoughtfully rolls back and forth. “Yeah, at least there’s that.” From the look of it, he knows she has more to say, and keeps a reassuring amount of space between them. </p><p>At last, she exhales, and looks up at him. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for putting you in this weird, shitty, position.” She begins. “Things have-I dunno. You were right before, they’ve been a bit rough. Kind of.” She knows he knows. Christian’s horrible at keeping secrets. “I guess I’m just not handling things as well as I thought, that’s not an excuse obviously.”</p><p>Being the instigator, she doesn’t have the right to ask him for discretion, but he’s oddly quiet anyway. A quick glance up and she almost misses the expression of hurt and disappointment, but its hastily replaced with a considerate neutrality. </p><p>He nods with a subtle, compassionate smile, “I understand more than you might think.” There’s a weighted hesitation, like he’s wondering how far to go, how honest to be. “Actually, Ive been rather homesick lately, its always hard around the holidays to be so far away from family.” She thinks he might take her hand for real then, but he just shoves them both in his jacket pockets, bunching his shoulders to ward off a chill. “It was nice to forget all of it for a little while and spend some time with you.”</p><p>If she were someone else, in some other time, she’d invite him up right there. She’s only Dani though, and she’s still standing here, with the same dreams and same problems as she had 3 hours ago. Pelle won’t fix any of that and neither will forgetting. “Thanks, Pelle. Really, I mean it.” </p><p>She offers one more time to pay for gas and anything that comes up with the tire. When he looks affronted, she drops it and bids him goodnight. </p><p>Walking up the stairs she shoots Christian a quick text telling him she left and turns her phone off. Her shoes are by the door and she’s snuggled in a bathrobe by the time she’s checking to see if Terri’s online to skype with her. </p><p>She’ll give Christian some space, avoid his place for a while. She’ll sidestep the house parties for the oncoming holidays. Hopefully she can head home and spend a few weeks with her sister, just the two of them. Terri’s has it harder than she does right now so maybe she should keep the drama to herself. It was a bad day, she’s feeling out of it, that’s all. It’s been a shit year, and really, the universe to needs to cut her some fucking slack.  </p><p>Let this just be a sad mistake no one remembers. Give her this one, that’s all she needs. Sending a quiet prayer to anything that’ll listen, she sips her coffee and promises to be more thoughtful of Christian, promises to be more inclusive and patient with Terri. </p><p>Maybe tonight needed to happen for her to stop being so passive in life and start making some needed changes. </p><p>It probably didn't, but because it’s comforting Dani whispers it to herself before she falling asleep later that night.</p><p>* </p><p>He flicks the kitchen lights on after getting home. The warmth slides over him like a second skin. Or more like he’s stepping out of the first. </p><p>It never fails to surprise him what people won’t notice. Especially if they were never looking for anything. He’d gotten back, shaken the wet off his shoes, and with a fresh sprite in his hand rejoined the party as seamlessly as if he’d never left. Christian had thrown an arm around his shoulders and begged an inch from his face to do another shot with him. After reminding him(Twice) he wasn’t drinking tonight and assuring him that whoever he just did jager bombs with was not actually him, Pelle told him he gave Dani a ride home.</p><p>Christian cringes apologetically, saying he’d make it up to him next weekend. It was amusing, but it wasn’t supposed to be, so he clinked glasses and told him cheers. </p><p>He’d dropped them off and helped Josh carry Christian back to their shared apartment. On the way, his larger friend laid drunkenly strewn about in the back seat. </p><p>The irony does not go amiss.</p><p>It’s late, it’s going to be around $300 for a new spare. The kink in his shoulder is flaring up from chugging his good friend around, but his lips are numb. A faint tingle like static runs up and down the lines of them. He lands on his bed with a breathless hum from tingling lips. Spreading his limbs out, his eyes trace the fan shadows moving on the ceiling, in reflection.</p><p>He feels faintly high. A warm glow radiating under his skin that makes him dizzy. Running a calloused hand over his face, he realizes he can still smell her on him. He cups his hands over his nose and mouth, breathing deep, wondering what she’s doing right now, if she’s up.   </p><p>‘<em>I have her number..</em>’ It’s not clear whether this lapse in caution will benefit or cost. He was foolish, and it was dangerous, far too soon and much too quick. There’s a chance for chaos now. Disharmony.</p><p>He imagines her. Green eyes dewy in the dim light, glossy with regret and uncertainty. Dani is not the type to chase valiantly after better promises. He’s not sure what he expected. Then again, he had expected nothing that had happened tonight. </p><p>It was like freezing before being set on fire. Every touch, every look, every breath made him break out in fever. He’d known, almost instantly after, that she regretted it. Known then she had been possessed by distress and loneliness, not love. It wasn’t surprising, nor was it painless. </p><p>And yet.</p><p>Standing with him there at her door, baring a small tender portion of herself, sad doe-round eyes begging for compassion. The fragile intimacy of that moment made his legs go numb. He’d wanted to fall into her, fall onto his knees before her. After returning to his senses, he instead told a truth of his own. </p><p>It was a moment for them, a moment for their secrets alone. Nobody would know about it but the two of them. </p><p>His schedule and plan would need adjusting. That’s fine, adaptability is necessary for any successful pilgrimage. It’s important to be flexible. </p><p>Dani already felt insecure in her relationship with Christian. Having an indiscretion herself might make her overcompensate and drive him further away. No doubt Christian and the others shared a weakness for exotic travel and the hospitality of foreign women. Dani would likely not be comfortable with him going on a bachelor’s endeavor without her. </p><p>With some tact, a little luck, yes he could see it coming together in his head. So many different pieces rearranging themselves into something wondrous and dreadful. It wouldn’t be too hard. </p><p>After everyone’s bought their tickets, he’ll just make sure to mention their plans around a few of their shared friends. He starts to hum one of his favorite folk ballads, his foot sways lightly to the rhythm in his head, filled with a new restless energy.</p><p>He should feel more annoyed with himself, putting so much in jeopardy, but here surrounded by her warmth, her scent, he feels he can do almost anything. It’s electrifying. </p><p>On a sudden impulse, he fishes around in his pocket for his phone, pulling out his keys and some pocket scrap with it. It’s a short scroll down to her name in his new contacts. He should delete it. It’ll bring no benefit and only trouble, however minuscule or unlikely. Although, It’s a connection to her he can’t bring himself to sever. A relic of tonight he wants to honor. </p><p>He cycles through names indecisively before flipping to one specific one. After brief hesitation, he hits message and switches the language text from English to Swedish. (He should be awake.) <em>“I’m bringing one more this summer - Pelle.”</em></p><p>First there’s nothing, he almost puts his phone aside, then the dots begin to bounce, signaling someone is typing.</p><p>
  <em>“Lovely! For the Girls, or for the Gods?”</em>
</p><p>There’s a vision in his head. Of Dani, covered in flowers, watching him, looking at him, with sadness, with anger. But seeing him. <em>“For me.”</em></p><p>The next response is faster than the first. <em>“How exciting! We will prepare to receive you! The family will know to welcome her :).”</em></p><p>A lightness fills him, radiates through skin and sinew. He will be bringing Dani home, introducing her to his family. The future laid out before them is dazzling. Of course, everything must be in place, all must be accounted for. <em>“There is one more. I will send his information tomorrow. He may be well suited for Maja if he intrigues her.”</em></p><p>He types back.<em> “I’m sure Maja will be very pleased.” </em></p><p>After a short catching up, he wishes Father Odd well and kicks off his shoes and jacket, too dazed to do much else. The next few months will be crucial, and he must play his cards right, everything coming together organically if not seamlessly. </p><p>He’ll carve a rune for patience tomorrow, and another for love the next.</p><p>That night he dreams of Dani, tears streaking her face from her woven altar of bleeding flowers. He lays kisses at her feet, her ankles, serenading her with prayer; and wakes up hot, hard and gasping.</p><p> </p><p>fin </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Bonus if you spotted the Buffy quote ;).</p></blockquote></div></div>
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